Voice

I always attend a Smith River Singers concert with my heart on my sleeve.  I should be up there singing with this remarkable choir.  I know the music will speak to me. I know many of the performers so very well.  From the friend down the street who walked with me late into the evenings as we solved the problems of the world thirty years ago, to a current day seamstress with an amazing talent for putting my quilts together….I know these performers. Even my dear husband of nearly 48 years was there with his horn! Many have been close friends for most of my adult life. I should be up there, singing with this remarkable choir! Most of the places I have worked are represented by someone in the group.  Former students are there. Colleagues. Mentors. Friends!

Every concert I think I cannot attend the next one. The agony of not being able is too intense.  I SHOULD be up there singing with this remarkable choir! But, I know that somewhere in every concert will be a piece that brings me to tears with a message of solace. Of hope. Of belonging.  

This year’s concert was no exception.  The words left me sobbing, yet filled again with hope.  Parkinson’s is like the onslaught of a tidal wave in slow motion, taking away much of what I love to do. Taking away the physical coordination and muscle memory that is all important in making music. Sometimes, I feel like I am fading into oblivion.

After eighteen years of this, I’m growing weary of the fight. I know the disease is progressive. There is no “getting better”   I’ve never noticed how close “bitter” is to “better”!  I know the illness will win. But the music fills me from the inside. Friends within this special sphere, know that I am singing with you for all I’m worth….singing with a heart that is full of your music, your gift.  My music making is silent, yet it echoes through my days with the same intensity you brought to the concert. Your gift will keep on giving for weeks to come!  Thank you.

“I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining, and I believe in love, even when there’s no one there.  And I believe in God, even when God is silent, I believe through any țrial, there is always a way. But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair, my heart cries for shelter, to know someone’s there.But a voice rises within me, saying hold on my child, I’ll give you strength, I’ll give you hope, just stay a little while. I believe in the sun…in love….in God. I believe through any trial, there is always a way. May there someday be sunshine. May there someday be happiness. May there someday be love.  May there someday be peace.”